Hey there all,
I haven't written because to be perfectly honest, I haven't had anything to say. I've been feeling apathetic and pretty much having a "woe be me" party and I didn't want any interruptions! A few things have happened over the last couple of weeks that have really rocked my already shaky self-esteem and I have come to the realization that It's All My Fault!
I had some blood tests done for my "I want a baby" plan to move forward. One of them was to check my thyroid. I've always had a sneaking suspicion that it doesn't function correctly. My family has a history of thyroid problems, and I figured that's why I have a hard time losing weight. Then I got the phone call.
The phone call that would change my life and rock my world.
My thyroid is fine. So is my blood pressure and my blood sugar. Now, any normal person would be glad, happy that they are so healthy, but not crazy me. I cried. I was devastated, seriously, what is wrong with me???? Of course, I felt bad later for being upset that I was so healthy, and thanked God that I was. But what kind of crazy is sad about that kind of thing? I guess I just wanted there to be a reason. I wanted someone to say, "It's not your fault" but that's not the case. There is no medical reason for me being overweight.
It's all my fault.
Next, we got fitted for the photo shoot, which I already told you about the new clothes. A few sizes larger than I would like to admit, but awesome clothes. I felt like a star during the shoot. I felt glamorous, my hair was amazing and everyone kept telling me how beautiful I looked. And for an afternoon, I actually felt beautiful. Then I saw the pictures.
Two nights ago I got an email that had some preliminary shots in it, not touched up yet. Jake was already in bed, I went to his computer to check them out, and I cried. I cried harder than I did in the doctor's office in January. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I didn't see beauty, I didn't see glamor; all I saw was fat. It took me until the next night to tell Jake how upset I was and how much I cried. But it didn't take me that long to realize, that it's all my fault.
No one forced me to lay on a couch all night and munch on potato chips.
No one's ever forced me to eat a cheeseburger or a half of a pizza.
No one, but me.
So, I accept full responsibility for my actions. No more "woe be me", no more pity party. If I want to reverse what I've done to myself, I have to be willing to work hard. My doctor said that only a couple days a week of exercise isn't enough to lose significantly, so Jake and I joined 24 hour fitness today. Our plan is to go after work 4 days a week, then once on the weekend.
It's time to actually start working hard!!
amy
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6 comments:
It is often times hard to look at ourselves and accept responsibility for our actions. You have done that. I am not going to say that this journey is going to be easy or even pleasant, but from one girl who is slowly succeeding to one who is starting the journey, it is 100% worth it. We are here for you if you need us. Smile big Amy, the best is yet to be!
Awesome first step!! Fantastic second step (24hr membership)!! You've just taken two very difficult steps on a very long road. You will be discouraged, you will be tired, you will be hurting, you will not feel like going on, but never ever quit. Don't expect fast results like Biggest Loser. It may take years, but it will be so worth it. You will probably feel results before you see them. :)
I love you two. I'm so glad you've started on this road together. I want you guys to be serving the Lord for a long time to come. :)
Now log off and go to the gym! ;)
You'll do great at the fitness center! Especially when you get in that consistent swing of going five times a week.
By the way, something I've learned is if you don't much feel like going to the gym that day, do it anyway. Several times I've just wanted to kick back and relax that day but drug myself to the gym anyway. As soon as I got started I was fine and having a good time.
Best of luck, Amy!
:D
I feel your frustration because I am in the same battle with myself. You are beautiful though no matter what so don't be too hard on yourself.
Hi Amy,
I am inspired by your honesty and openness about your weight. I could never be so open about my weight struggle. I feel bad that you are so down and wish I could say the right words to make you feel better. You ARE beautiful. I have met you at a concert. I was overwhelmed by the sound of your amazing voice. God has truly blessed you and you have blessed Him back by using your gift to praise and honor Him.
Jesus has told us to forgive whenever someone hurts us. But we never forgive ourselves when we hurt ourselves. We must also do this to remain in His love. Trust me it works.
Hopefully soon you will hold the baby you desire and you will forget all about your own struggles because all of your thoughts, cares, and actions will be focused on your child. Trust me here, too.
Your good health is another blessing. Hopefully you will have no problems getting pregnant and have an easy pregnancy. I was overweight during all three of my pregnancies. If I waited to be skinny I would not be the mother to 3 awesome kids. You are in my prayers.
I just found your blog, and I appreciate your honesty. I am cheering you on however long it takes. Thanks for your ministry with Selah.
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