Words

Why do words hurt so much?

James 3:
8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

9 Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similtude of God.

10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

Why do words hurt so much; I guess because the tongue is such an "unruly evil, full of deadly poison."

I've been dealing with something for a few days now. On Monday night a relative came to visit for dinner, and I always have to emotionally prepare for her, because for as long as I remember, almost every time I see her, she insults my weight or appearance. I don't even think she knows she's doing it, but it's gotten to the point where I avoid contact, because I just don't want to hear it.

I don't remember a lot about my childhood. Call it selective memory, or just really bad long term memory. My sister is always shocked when I don't remember something from growing up, but you know what I do remember? The insults.

I remember my freshman year, a boy walking by while I was cheerleading, and he said I was too fat to be a cheerleader (I think I've mentioned this one before)

I remember being told that I would be a "knock out" if I would just lose 50 pounds, as though my beauty was completely dependent upon my size.

I remember being told that I would get a record deal if I would just lose some weight, as though my talent was directly related to my size.

I remember this particular relative I'm speaking about telling me, "If you're not going to lose "the weight" you might as well dress different", as though my sense of style was lacking because of my size.

I remember the last time I spent time with this relative, she put a piece of cake down on the table in front of me and then quickly picked it up and said, "I better not leave this in front of Amy, she might eat it," implying that I don't have the self control to not steal her cake and eat it when I already had my own.

Why do I have to remember these things? Why do they haunt me? If I let myself dwell on all the horrible things people have said to me, I would literally be depressed all the time.

Why do people, especially "Christians" think they have the right to insult you and then call it "being honest" or "telling the truth?" Well, the truth is, Christians are mean. I've had more Christians insult my for my outer appearance then anyone else. I wouldn't talk to a stranger the way some people talk to me...

Anyways, back to Monday night. This particular relative came over, and I braced myself; waiting for the backhanded compliment, or out right insult. And then a strange thing happened. She took my face in her hands when I went to hug her hello, and she said, "Oh Amy, doesn't her little face always just glow? Such beautiful skin." And then she kissed me hello. My heart nearly skipped a beat. It was a compliment, with no insult attached. I thought to myself, maybe she's changing, maybe I don't have to fear her tongue any more.

Then she turned to my hubby, grabbed his belly with both hands and said, "Are you having a baby?"

He walked away and called her a mean old lady. I don't think she heard him, but the rest of us did.

I didn't write this today to upset my relatives, but it's really hard to have an honest blog about how I really feel, when I have family that treats me like that. Besides, I don't think she even knows about the blog. And would it be so bad if she did read it? Maybe she would see how her words are so hurtful, and maybe she would change.

Anyways, I'm trying really hard to break free of the bondage that words have caused me my whole life. The only words I need to worry about are God's words, and He thinks I'm pretty fabulous looking! :) I just needed to get that off my chest.

thanks
amy

It's All My Fault

Hey there all,

I haven't written because to be perfectly honest, I haven't had anything to say. I've been feeling apathetic and pretty much having a "woe be me" party and I didn't want any interruptions! A few things have happened over the last couple of weeks that have really rocked my already shaky self-esteem and I have come to the realization that It's All My Fault!

I had some blood tests done for my "I want a baby" plan to move forward. One of them was to check my thyroid. I've always had a sneaking suspicion that it doesn't function correctly. My family has a history of thyroid problems, and I figured that's why I have a hard time losing weight. Then I got the phone call.

The phone call that would change my life and rock my world.

My thyroid is fine. So is my blood pressure and my blood sugar. Now, any normal person would be glad, happy that they are so healthy, but not crazy me. I cried. I was devastated, seriously, what is wrong with me???? Of course, I felt bad later for being upset that I was so healthy, and thanked God that I was. But what kind of crazy is sad about that kind of thing? I guess I just wanted there to be a reason. I wanted someone to say, "It's not your fault" but that's not the case. There is no medical reason for me being overweight.

It's all my fault.

Next, we got fitted for the photo shoot, which I already told you about the new clothes. A few sizes larger than I would like to admit, but awesome clothes. I felt like a star during the shoot. I felt glamorous, my hair was amazing and everyone kept telling me how beautiful I looked. And for an afternoon, I actually felt beautiful. Then I saw the pictures.

Two nights ago I got an email that had some preliminary shots in it, not touched up yet. Jake was already in bed, I went to his computer to check them out, and I cried. I cried harder than I did in the doctor's office in January. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I didn't see beauty, I didn't see glamor; all I saw was fat. It took me until the next night to tell Jake how upset I was and how much I cried. But it didn't take me that long to realize, that it's all my fault.

No one forced me to lay on a couch all night and munch on potato chips.

No one's ever forced me to eat a cheeseburger or a half of a pizza.

No one, but me.

So, I accept full responsibility for my actions. No more "woe be me", no more pity party. If I want to reverse what I've done to myself, I have to be willing to work hard. My doctor said that only a couple days a week of exercise isn't enough to lose significantly, so Jake and I joined 24 hour fitness today. Our plan is to go after work 4 days a week, then once on the weekend.

It's time to actually start working hard!!

amy