Addiction

This is kind of a hard one for me to write about. I don't know if I might have shared this comment on one of my earlier blogs, but the first time I really realized I had a problem was about 4 years ago when a friend of mine and I were having a bad day. She had been fighting with her husband, and I was just really stressed out. I remember sitting at my table, both of us eating out of some kind of pan, some kind of chocolate gooey goodness. Even though I can't quite remember what we were grubbing on, I remember her statement vividly..."Man, if we were alcoholics, we'd be drunk right now."

Well, I'm not an alcoholic, but I do have an addiction. When people think of "addiction" they think of drugs, or alcohol, or sex; all very bad things when done in excess, or at all (except that 3rd one, that's great if you're married :). Anyways, we don't often think of being addicted to something we can live without, and I guess that's why it's difficult to admit, "I have a food addiction."

But there it is. "I have a food addiction."

Don't misunderstand. I don't eat anything and everything any time I want all the time; it's not like that. It's more like a way to self soothe.

For instance, Monday was not a good day for me. I had been out of town all weekend with the boys (otherwise known as Selah) and we had a great weekend. The show was so wonderful, the church treated us amazing, they showed us so much love, our manager came out with us and we got to know him better and have a 5 hour long meeting on the drive back home. It was great...and exhausting. I arrived home Saturday night at 10pm PST, having awoke that morning at like 8am EST...time changes stink! Immediately upon returning home my husband an I stopped at In-and-Out. I know it wasn't a great choice, but man it's good!! And we don't have it very often (sounds like good justification to me, right?) It was midnight by the time I got home. I awoke early Sunday morning to prepare a track that our pastor had asked me to sing to. Do you know how long it's been since I sang to a track in church? This particular track was on cassette tape, and I haven't sang it since before I moved to Nashville in 2000. Very old track, amazing song. (Alabaster Box-for those who are wondering). With not much rest on Sunday afternoon we had a worship service Sunday night, also amazing and exhausting.

Monday morning I felt like I was hit by a freight train. I was physically exhausted, but woke up at 8am anyways because of major pain in my jaw...my sister the dental hygienist thinks I have TMJ..anyways, lots of pain. So, jaw ache, headache, and pretty much full body ache combined with jet lag...a recipe for disaster. And then the drama came.

For personal reasons, I cannot divulge what kind of drama entered my life, but it was several things, from several sources that I was unprepared to deal with on a Monday morning. Have I mentioned I'm a dude? Don't get me wrong, I have compassion, I love romatic comedies and purple fingernail polish, I cry at sappy movies and commercials. I just am not equiped emotionally to handle petty drama, and things that others want to blow out of proportion. And Monday morning some things got blown out of proportion and I wanted to scream.

To be truthful, by the end of the day all I really wanted to to was drown myself in a vat of chocolate ice cream. In fact, it's all I thought about all day. Like I had an appointment after dinner with Ben & Jerry and I couldn't wait for it to come. That, my friends is addiction.

I had to go to the grocery store for real food, and I made a point to skip the frozen isle. It was very hard, but I realized something on Monday. I'm so used to indulging my "addiction" whenever I feel my day has gone bad enough, that I don't even realize I'm doing it. Then I got to thinking, how many times have I justified gorging on dessert at the end of a "bad day" because I "deserved it"?

So now I get to start thinking about my pattern of self soothing; how often do I do it? What can I do to combat it? Can I ever just eat ice cream because it tastes good, not because it makes me feel good?

This week a wonderful woman at church came to me and offered to help me with my food. Which basically means, I get to write down everything I ate all week long, and then we can talk about what is good, what isn't, and how to substitute more good for the not so good. I'm so pleased she approached me. Then we get to sit down and talk about why I eat...I think I'm figuring that out daily, I'm really excited, although a little embarrassed to show her my food log. :(

amy

ps...kickboxing was awesome last night, and by "awesome" I mean I didn't fall down!!!