Wow, it's been almost a year... I'm really bad at this blogging thing...

Anyhoo.. I'm deleting this blog and starting one at

www.selahinhisimage.wordpress.com

I'm finding it important to get people talking about our "issues" (you know.. weight and stuff) so this new one is actually going to be advertised and stuff. At my concerts I talk about my issues so the new blog will be the one I talk about.

thanks for reading.

amy

The Ugly Truth

Well, it's been 2 months since I blogged last, I almost forgot I had one. And it's been almost a year since I started the blog.

I seriously haven't lost a pound. What's wrong with me?

The Ugly Truth: I don't know, and I don't care.

I feel like I'm just so worn out. I make excuses for not exercising because I'm tired, or busy.

But today's a new day, so I'll get back up off the couch and start again.

Got any suggestions to beat the "I feel like laying around all day because I'm tired" excuse for not working out?

amy

Yikes!

Have you ever had a really good excuse for not doing something, and you used that excuse, and had every reason to, but you still felt bad about it?

I've had a headache, literally, for 7 days. It started last Monday with just a faint headache, then by Thursday it was so bad I couldn't touch my left eye or cheekbone. I started flushing my sinuses and taking lots of decongestants. It subsided a little on Saturday, but Easter was painful. I was singing on the praise team thinking that any minute I would pass out. The eye pain also led to light sensitivity, which I already have, but even more extreme so I was wearing my sunglasses every where to keep from getting sick. It's kind of like a migraine, but sometimes I skip past some of the symptoms straight to the sick part.

Anyways, it laid me out yesterday, I had to come home from work early and sit in my dark room. And this morning it was finally gone, but I feel it coming back.

All this to say, it kept me from the gym. And while it was a good excuse, I still feel bad. Could it be that I was actually starting to enjoy the gym??

Anyways, maybe it's stress. I seem to have a bit extra of that these last couple of weeks. I don't know, but I'm really going to try to go today, if I can get this headache to go away.

Any thoughts on the best way to get rid of one that seems to last forever? I've tried Ibuprofen, Excedrin, naps in dark rooms, head massage, chocolate (Easter Sees Candy..my Achilles heel), caffeine...you name it!

By the way, GMA week is next week. I'm kind of looking forward to it, but kind of not. I'm not big on dressing up to try to impress a bunch of people. Especially when 98% of the interviews you do are for radio. So then why did I get up at 5am to get my hair done and buy a new outfit? It's not like the listeners know any different.

bye bye
amy

Words

Why do words hurt so much?

James 3:
8 But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.

9 Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similtude of God.

10 Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.

Why do words hurt so much; I guess because the tongue is such an "unruly evil, full of deadly poison."

I've been dealing with something for a few days now. On Monday night a relative came to visit for dinner, and I always have to emotionally prepare for her, because for as long as I remember, almost every time I see her, she insults my weight or appearance. I don't even think she knows she's doing it, but it's gotten to the point where I avoid contact, because I just don't want to hear it.

I don't remember a lot about my childhood. Call it selective memory, or just really bad long term memory. My sister is always shocked when I don't remember something from growing up, but you know what I do remember? The insults.

I remember my freshman year, a boy walking by while I was cheerleading, and he said I was too fat to be a cheerleader (I think I've mentioned this one before)

I remember being told that I would be a "knock out" if I would just lose 50 pounds, as though my beauty was completely dependent upon my size.

I remember being told that I would get a record deal if I would just lose some weight, as though my talent was directly related to my size.

I remember this particular relative I'm speaking about telling me, "If you're not going to lose "the weight" you might as well dress different", as though my sense of style was lacking because of my size.

I remember the last time I spent time with this relative, she put a piece of cake down on the table in front of me and then quickly picked it up and said, "I better not leave this in front of Amy, she might eat it," implying that I don't have the self control to not steal her cake and eat it when I already had my own.

Why do I have to remember these things? Why do they haunt me? If I let myself dwell on all the horrible things people have said to me, I would literally be depressed all the time.

Why do people, especially "Christians" think they have the right to insult you and then call it "being honest" or "telling the truth?" Well, the truth is, Christians are mean. I've had more Christians insult my for my outer appearance then anyone else. I wouldn't talk to a stranger the way some people talk to me...

Anyways, back to Monday night. This particular relative came over, and I braced myself; waiting for the backhanded compliment, or out right insult. And then a strange thing happened. She took my face in her hands when I went to hug her hello, and she said, "Oh Amy, doesn't her little face always just glow? Such beautiful skin." And then she kissed me hello. My heart nearly skipped a beat. It was a compliment, with no insult attached. I thought to myself, maybe she's changing, maybe I don't have to fear her tongue any more.

Then she turned to my hubby, grabbed his belly with both hands and said, "Are you having a baby?"

He walked away and called her a mean old lady. I don't think she heard him, but the rest of us did.

I didn't write this today to upset my relatives, but it's really hard to have an honest blog about how I really feel, when I have family that treats me like that. Besides, I don't think she even knows about the blog. And would it be so bad if she did read it? Maybe she would see how her words are so hurtful, and maybe she would change.

Anyways, I'm trying really hard to break free of the bondage that words have caused me my whole life. The only words I need to worry about are God's words, and He thinks I'm pretty fabulous looking! :) I just needed to get that off my chest.

thanks
amy

It's All My Fault

Hey there all,

I haven't written because to be perfectly honest, I haven't had anything to say. I've been feeling apathetic and pretty much having a "woe be me" party and I didn't want any interruptions! A few things have happened over the last couple of weeks that have really rocked my already shaky self-esteem and I have come to the realization that It's All My Fault!

I had some blood tests done for my "I want a baby" plan to move forward. One of them was to check my thyroid. I've always had a sneaking suspicion that it doesn't function correctly. My family has a history of thyroid problems, and I figured that's why I have a hard time losing weight. Then I got the phone call.

The phone call that would change my life and rock my world.

My thyroid is fine. So is my blood pressure and my blood sugar. Now, any normal person would be glad, happy that they are so healthy, but not crazy me. I cried. I was devastated, seriously, what is wrong with me???? Of course, I felt bad later for being upset that I was so healthy, and thanked God that I was. But what kind of crazy is sad about that kind of thing? I guess I just wanted there to be a reason. I wanted someone to say, "It's not your fault" but that's not the case. There is no medical reason for me being overweight.

It's all my fault.

Next, we got fitted for the photo shoot, which I already told you about the new clothes. A few sizes larger than I would like to admit, but awesome clothes. I felt like a star during the shoot. I felt glamorous, my hair was amazing and everyone kept telling me how beautiful I looked. And for an afternoon, I actually felt beautiful. Then I saw the pictures.

Two nights ago I got an email that had some preliminary shots in it, not touched up yet. Jake was already in bed, I went to his computer to check them out, and I cried. I cried harder than I did in the doctor's office in January. I cried harder than I have in a long time. I didn't see beauty, I didn't see glamor; all I saw was fat. It took me until the next night to tell Jake how upset I was and how much I cried. But it didn't take me that long to realize, that it's all my fault.

No one forced me to lay on a couch all night and munch on potato chips.

No one's ever forced me to eat a cheeseburger or a half of a pizza.

No one, but me.

So, I accept full responsibility for my actions. No more "woe be me", no more pity party. If I want to reverse what I've done to myself, I have to be willing to work hard. My doctor said that only a couple days a week of exercise isn't enough to lose significantly, so Jake and I joined 24 hour fitness today. Our plan is to go after work 4 days a week, then once on the weekend.

It's time to actually start working hard!!

amy

New Clothes

Well, I haven't posted in a while, sorry about that. I've been sort of busy. Now I'm about to go get fitted for new clothes for a photo shoot this week; something I'm not very excited about.

Have I mentioned that I have having my picture taken? I always look back at them with so much disgust and self-loathing. Why am I this way? Anyways, I got my hair done, so at least I feel good about that.

Maybe I'll post some pictures once they're done.

Talk soon

amy

Good News & Bad News!!

Ok, so I have good news and bad news.

First the bad. Apparently, upon being weighed prior to the Holidays, I had actually gained a couple of pounds from my first post, where I told you all how much I weigh. (No need to re-look it up, it's not important). I didn't know this tidbit of information until I went to the doctor on Monday, and they weighed me, and I asked how much I weighed last time.

Now for the good news. I lost 3 whole pounds.

So, here's how I rationalize it. Since the "exact start weight" happened the day before Thanksgiving, I will surmise that I held that weight through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, because we all eat like crap during those weeks, and I will now commit to that number as my starting weight effective January 1, 2009. That being said, I lost 3 pounds since New Years!!!!

Yay!!!

But seriously, I didn't start consistently exercising until after Jan 1, so... I think the math works.

My doctor appointment was an interesting one. It was a "I think I want to have a baby next year, so what do I need to do?" appointment. My doctor is happy, because she wants me to have a baby before I turn 33. Whatever. But something strange happened when I asked her, "How much weight do you think I should lose before I get pregnant?"

I burst into tears. I sat there crying at her, and feeling very stupid. I'm not sure why it happened, anyone who knows me well, knows that I'm a dude, and I just don't cry over stuff. But I think I figured it out.

Reality: I could die if I don't lose weight. My mom got horrible toxemia and diabetes with her last pregnancy and spent a week in the hospital. It was bad. I don't want that to happen to me.

Reality: losing weight has been a battle for me since I was 12 years old. I'm tired. I'm frustrated.

Reality: almost 20 years of diets, hiding food, being made fun of, being told "you have such a pretty face", feeling "not good enough", feeling like a failure...it all caught up to me in that one doctor appointment.

My doctor is awesome, because she just smiled, handed me a tissue and said, "I'm not giving you a number. Look at how stressed you already are. If I give you number, and you don't achieve it, that will only make it harder to conceive. "

She gave me some easy advice. She told me to buy "What to Expect When You're Expecting". She said there's a pregnancy diet in there, and if I start following it now, I will lose weight, and I won't have to drastically change my diet when I get pregnant. That sounds easy enough.

So I got the book.

She also said that only 3 days of exercise a week is "maintenance" and to achieve significant weight loss I need to increase it to 5 days a week.

So, that's what I'm going to do.

Hope these next 6 months are better than the last, because all the blogging in the world isn't going to take the weight off. I really need to get into action.

Last, she told me to cut down on the Starbucks. This is the real problem. I have become accustom to around 3-4 per week. She said it's supposed to be once a month. ???? Not likely right away, so I think I'll have to start by cutting to half-caf. Then maybe decaf. Then maybe twice a week. Then maybe once a week. I already get it non-fat, no-whip, that's as far as I'm willing to go!

amy